blessings

can you believe it? 2 posts, 2 days in a row! what's going on? well, i can assure you it won't happen often.

i just want to write about how i'm blessed. i was thinking after my last post that i'd like to write a positive blog. i'm tired of complaining (in my own mind... and written on my blog), and it makes me sad when other people write sad or downer blogs... so i will go against that. right now.

i am blessed. freaking blessed. here's why:

1. i have a great family- first, my parents: they have set an amazing example for me. they have dedicated their lives to God and serving him in every way. they are very practical and that helps me to think of ways i can serve God practically as well. i often walk into our family room and either or both of my parents are there reading the Bible. they are very faithful; to God, to each other, to their family, to others... and they put their faith into practice. they've taught me what a healthy marriage should look like. now my siblings: i wouldn't trade you for the world! over the last few years i have had some really great conversations with my brother eric. we've discussed so many things... things you wouldn't think you'd discuss with your brother. his outlook on life and how he talks so openly of his love for God inspires me. and he is so devoted to his wife and their life together. my sister bethany is my other half. we share everything... literally. we share each others' things, we share a sense of humour, we share everything that's going on in our lives, and we have our fair share of arguments (although, they've been fewer and farther between as the years go on). i love my sister. she's my best friend. and now for my new sister melodie! it's great having another sister. you fit in right away. it's great that we've known each other our whole lives as friends, and now it's even more special because we're sisters. your kind heart is a blessing to me, and also inspires me.

2. my friends- i love you guys. i'm not going to single anyone out. but there are many friends that i feel very close with, and there are many friends that i feel close to, but maybe not as close as others. you all know who you are and where you fit in! and whether i'm very close with you or kind of close with you, you are so crazy special to me! i have friends i went to school with, who helped me through all those years of "change". i only have a few friends from school whom i still keep in contact with, and you are precious to me. i have friends i met while in australia and you also saw me truly grow in my relationship with God. these friends also encouraged me to make that relationship with God my own. i love and miss you guys. i have friends i've made through theatre and film. many i don't see or talk with much anymore- but they helped me grow in a talent and passion of mine. and for those who i still see from that group, you are very special to me and i'm glad for all the fun times we've had and will have! i have friends that i've made since coming home from australia (1.5 years ago)- most of whom i knew beforehand, but kind of from a distance. you are very dear to me. there were times that i didn't want to get to know these friends because of the transition from bible school to "real life". but you all pursued me. thank you. you've seen my ups and downs since capernwray (although i try very hard to hide them... with some success?) and you've stuck by me. i appreciate you guys. many friends made over many years... wow... you guys are amazing.

3. my health- i'm blessed to have good health. i know i take advantage of this since i'm young. i do some stupid things to my body, but luckily it hasn't had much affect as of yet. i know i'll have to learn to take better care of my body for future years! but i appreciate my body's ability to bounce back. i haven't always appreciated the body i was given- as i've struggled for many years with self-image issues and anorexia. but as i grow in my relationship with God, i've really learned to love who he has made me. he made me just how he wanted to- quirks and all, curves and all, lack-of-height and all, flaws and all (that i'm working on daily, of course). and God does not make mistakes. and i've been learning to accept who HE says i am. i am his, i am loved, and i am fearfully and wondefully made. and so are YOU! so, yay for young bodies that can deal with the crap we put them through! now i've got to learn how to treat it right because it won't be young forever!

4. my situation- my parents have provided our family with a pretty sweet set-up. we've always had family holidays. we've always had nice new things. as siblings, we've always been able to ask for help and received more than needed from our parents. not that "stuff" is important in and of itself at all. but i'm just thankful that my parents thought ahead and were able to provide for us as a family- in the areas of love and money. honestly, i couldn't really care less if we didn't have the nice things we have, or if we had to put all our money and means together to go on a family holiday, or if i was completely on my own to save money for post-secondary school... but i am very thankful for what i have, and how my parents have provided.

5. God's grace and sacrifice- God, you above everyone inspire me the most. that you had, have, and will continue to have the grace to deal with not only me, but everyone on this earth is the biggest blessing of all. the sacrifice you made for our lives speaks of your unconditional, undying love for us. that you would give your life for me, a girl who continually goes against your good, pleasing, and perfect will... God, i can't begin to put into words how much that means to me. i know i don't do enough to demonstrate your awesome love to this sad world... but i'm learning and growing... and as you teach me and i get to know your heart, it just makes me want to learn and grow more! and it makes me want to show off my awesome God to everyone around me! your grace is sufficient, and your sacrifice was enough to save my life. i want people to see what you've done in me... in the heart of a stubborn girl who hates being vulnerable and transparent. i want the faith of a child to trust you with all my heart, believing that you have the best in mind for my life. i could say so much more to try to thank you for every single thing you've done in my life... but i know that this will actually go on forever if i do that (and it will go on forever in my heart, as i continue to thank you for what you've done and what you are doing and what you will do). oh God, you amaze me. thank you, thank you, THANK YOU. you are more than enough for me, Lord. you are my heart's desire.

i am blessed. told you so.

j'aime la vie

there's no purpose posting this picture other than the knowledge that pictures make posts more interesting. it's the truth, admit it. but that being said, i do like this picture. the day i took this picture, this rainbow actually stretched across the sky in a complete arch... you could see the whole thing. didn't last too long, but it was beautiful.

moving on... so, the title of this post is "j'aime la vie"... for you who don't know french that means "i like/love life." i'll say that i like life. i love living, but i like life. don't read into that too much. i'm pretty content right now. i've had lots to smile about lately. i just spent a good weekend away camping in st. malo with family, working outside has been nice (although i don't always enjoy the work, to be honest), getting to know friends and family better is a real blessing (i really appreciate you guys), summer is a great season, and God is goooooooooooooooooooood. not just good, but gooooooooooooooooooood. i could definitely be doing a better job at getting to know his heart and spend more time with him... yeah, i'll be honest with that. i get pretty caught up in the craziness of life most of the time. but i really enjoy talking with God and sharing my heart with him... and just being quiet and letting him speak to me. he speaks in many ways though, and i'm still learning to decipher what is him and what is me... or others. but that's part of the adventure, right?

so, usually i start writing not knowing what to say, but just writing because i need to keep my "followers" entertained. i know i haven't written in a while, so i should write something! that's why my thoughts are all over the place. and i don't feel like sleeping yet, so i'm writing. this weekend i went camping with my family (and my mom's side of the family... those who could make it, that is). it was a horrible weekend to go camping weather-wise but we stuck with it. true sawatzky's. and i definitely spent some time in a bad mood because it was wet and cold and i was bored because i don't like games and that seems like that's all one can do when you're stuck inside and hate trudging through massive puddles to go for a walk... i know that's a run-on sentence. shhhhh. but that was just for a bit of the time. so aside from the "short" time i was in a bad mood, here's what i did this weekend: i had a great talk with my cousin jill, whom i'm very close with, i spent a lot of quality indoor time with cousins who felt the same way about the wet, cold outdoors (which was most), read some of a book, played with my cousin carly's hair (she's a dear... knows how much i dislike playing games, so she let me play hairdresser!), ate way too much food and did way too little exercise, actually played dominoes 3 times (be proud people), and really enjoyed the weekend overall as i was with my amazing family. it was a really good time. our extended family is pretty close, and i'm really blessed by that. not many extended families are close like my sawatzky side is. they are amazing people. it's just incredible what God can do with the lives of people... if we're willing. so, to all my sawatzky family: you bless me... and i had a great time with you this weekend.

so... going back to my last post... i still don't quite know what to do with myself... and this past week and weekend have shed a bit of light in that area. but it's still unclear. that's alright though. i'm feeling less nervous about it and more excited to see what God can do with me. yeesh. luckily he's patient. there has been a lot to smile about for me lately though. it's weird how i'm learning that even though i hate giving control over to God (even knowing that he'll do a better job with my life than i ever could!), i feel peace, excitement, joy, anticipation, and a huge reason to smile when i do surrender. weird. but wonderful.

well, that's what i'm going through right now... at this very moment. til next time...

i just don't know WHAT to do with myself...

it's true... i just don't know what to do.

not just today. it's not like i'm bored and don't know what to do this evening (although, i am bored, and i'm just filling time by writing this... but putting that aside...). i mean, i just don't know what to do. i'm thinking about the fall, and there are a few options out there for what to do. i'm not going to get into what the options are, because i don't know what to choose... and i don't want people's opinions to sort of make up my mind for me. but that being said, i still do wish someone could make up my mind for me! i'm not being an indecisive girl about all this... i just don't know what's best right now. but i do want to do what's wise.

i don't feel God saying do this or do that. but i am seeking him in it. a lot. i've been going for walks, enjoying his presence in nature... and it really helps me to keep focused. and i'm constantly telling myself, "it's ok. it's ok not to know what's going to happen. it's ok that i just don't know." and that's true. it is ok. but that doesn't always make it easier as a worrisome human being.

i want to go away and be adventurous... but i don't want to leave the friends i've gotten so close to. and bethany just got home. i want to hang out with her now! but i'm not sure i'd be satisfied just sticking around. i'd feel not-so-adventurous. i have been dealing a lot with my fear of being boring. no, not being bored. being boring. i'm scared of living a boring life, being a boring person, and having a boring personality. it's something i'm working at. it's something i'm bringing to God a lot. so i'm scared that by sticking around and working some kind of job to save money for my future will label me as a boring person. so, there's that.

but i know that i need to trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. and in all my ways i need to acknowledge him and he will direct my path.

i was just encouraged by this picture i found. i took it years ago when i went as a "mentor" on a maranatha youth camping trip. it's gorgeous, it's nature, the suns rays are shining through the clouds... it's a hopeful picture. and i'm a hopeful person. and my hope is in you, God.