i just don't know WHAT to do with myself...

it's true... i just don't know what to do.

not just today. it's not like i'm bored and don't know what to do this evening (although, i am bored, and i'm just filling time by writing this... but putting that aside...). i mean, i just don't know what to do. i'm thinking about the fall, and there are a few options out there for what to do. i'm not going to get into what the options are, because i don't know what to choose... and i don't want people's opinions to sort of make up my mind for me. but that being said, i still do wish someone could make up my mind for me! i'm not being an indecisive girl about all this... i just don't know what's best right now. but i do want to do what's wise.

i don't feel God saying do this or do that. but i am seeking him in it. a lot. i've been going for walks, enjoying his presence in nature... and it really helps me to keep focused. and i'm constantly telling myself, "it's ok. it's ok not to know what's going to happen. it's ok that i just don't know." and that's true. it is ok. but that doesn't always make it easier as a worrisome human being.

i want to go away and be adventurous... but i don't want to leave the friends i've gotten so close to. and bethany just got home. i want to hang out with her now! but i'm not sure i'd be satisfied just sticking around. i'd feel not-so-adventurous. i have been dealing a lot with my fear of being boring. no, not being bored. being boring. i'm scared of living a boring life, being a boring person, and having a boring personality. it's something i'm working at. it's something i'm bringing to God a lot. so i'm scared that by sticking around and working some kind of job to save money for my future will label me as a boring person. so, there's that.

but i know that i need to trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. and in all my ways i need to acknowledge him and he will direct my path.

i was just encouraged by this picture i found. i took it years ago when i went as a "mentor" on a maranatha youth camping trip. it's gorgeous, it's nature, the suns rays are shining through the clouds... it's a hopeful picture. and i'm a hopeful person. and my hope is in you, God.